Kitten Play 101: Pet Me, Love Me-I'm Your Kitten

Cute furry ears, long beautiful tail, licking from bowls of milk, scratching, biting and being naughty–no, I’m not talking about the little creature you just adopted from the animal shelter. I’m talking about BDSM kitten play.

The kitten is the sub, the master or owner the Dom. The kitten acts as you’d imagine: biting, crawling, meowing. The owner cares for the little one by petting and caressing, but also by punishing for misbehavior. What’s the special draw?

Kittens thrive on being cared for, rewarded and punished, but they also thrive on belonging and commitment. The pet and owner participate in a collaring ceremony that binds the two together as well as establishes the boundaries, privileges and responsibilities of the relationship. As with any good relationship, the two care for each other physically as well as emotionally.

As for the boundaries, those are similar to ones outlined in many BDSM relationships, with the addition of elements regarding the pet aspects. How will the kitten be punished for misbehavior? Rewarded for loyalty and affection? What will the owner do to care for it? How obedient and loyal will it be?

Like other BDSM relationships, kitten play is based on trust, attention and equal dependence. Why this particular fantasy? Kittens thrive on being taken care of, nurtured and cherished, while also getting to put themselves in “kitten headspace” and behaving like the pets they are. The lounge, seek affection and get feisty when the mood strikes. Like with pony play and other types of animal play, many says it relieves stress, generates creativity, and gives them a chance to break from their human self and the complications of their daily life.

A while back, I did a post on pony play. Among other things, I offered some reasons why someone would incorporate animal play into their life. The reasons are both sexual and non-sexual, the same applies to kitten play.

Maybe you’re thinking its obvious why a woman who want to be a kitten. Who doesn’t love being taken care of while also getting to lounge around, sleeping and being enigmatic? But what’s the draw for man? Why would he want to be the master of a kitten? I have three words: Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman.

You’re intrigued. You need an idea of where to start. Want to know what type of kitten you are? Try this quiz. Alas, it won’t tell you what sort of submissive kitten play personality you may have, but taking the quiz will give you a break from that pile of work on your desk.

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My bag. What's yours?

My grandmother wore kitten heels, twin sets that she knitted herself and I wanted to be just like her. The first purse I remember is her painted basket. It was made of brown “straps” and painted with colorful buildings.  

I’d stare at the bright buildings and wonder who lived in them. What were their lives about? A single penny was glued to the fliptop lid. I thought it was completely wonderful and filled with grownup lady secrets. All these years, I still don’t know everything that was kept inside it. Here are the things I’m certain were inside: filterless Camels, a lighter, and reading glasses.

The first purse I owned was a gift. It was yellow plastic, covered with flowers, and had a long shoulder strap. I have no idea what I kept inside it, but I do remember feeling like a grownup lady with it hanging from my shoulder.

The first purse I bought was a brown leather Coach bag. It was heavy and plain but I loved it. This was back before discount malls, so it was seriously expensive. I bought it at department store using money I’d earned driving a Good Humor ice cream truck.  Inside I kept my Girl Scout date book, bright pink lipstick, and occasionally, the plastic army guys I used to line up on sidewalks and restaurant tables.

I own several bags now. A big everyday one, a basket I carry in the summer, a red jeweled one I get out for special occasions–those are only a few. Every time I switch bags, I look at what I keep with me, think about what’s important to me. What do these smalls things say about my life? 

Whatever you call it, a purse, handbag, pocketbook, it can be an expression of you and your life. Maybe it holds your secrets, maybe it holds twelve lipsticks or none.  Give a shout in the comments, tell us about your bag and what’s inside.

Let’s (Not) Have a 3-Way My Hot Friend

Imagine a man and woman, a committed couple, cozy in each other’s arms. They’re in front of a fireplace, stretched across a soft rug and covered by plaid blanket A half empty bottle of red wine is within reach. Everything is bliss. Until he asks, “Have you ever thought about us doing it with ______.”  No, blank isn’t Charlie Hunnam or Chris Hemsworth. It’s her friend. The hot one with the perfect legs, curvy ass and Instagram ready smile.

Just like that, the sweetness of the moment is gone, and she’s left with an uncertain queasy sensation that starts in her stomach and spreads to her heart. Never mind what happens to her mind. She can’t decide which of her emotions to deal with first. Anger? Hurt? Disgust? Humiliation?

Imagine she says no. But, because she’s reeling from that freshly-delivered nasty basket of emotions, she replies gently, as though she’s hoping that by speaking softly the whole matter will float up the chimney, drifting out into the starry night sky. After being burned into nothingness, of course.

For some reason, maybe the wine, he doesn’t accept her response. He thinks he should explain, offer some reasons:

Its in the books you read/write.

• Anxiety, murder, disappointment, heartbreak, betrayal…these things are in our books too, but we don’t want them in real life either. That’s why people read--to experience things in the imaginary part of the mind.

It’s so fucking hot in porn.

• Hello? Everything looks better in porn. That’s why it generated 97 billion dollars last year. How about we not use porn as a standard for positive, sustainable behavior.

You won’t know unless you try it.

• This is just childish. For example, consider cutting off your pinky finger. You don’t need to do that to know it is 1) a bad idea 2) very painful and 3) irreversible.

It’d just be the one time.

• See directly above, childish, with the addition of why does that make any difference? I suppose that could be the strength of this reason, as it makes so little logical sense that there is no equivalent response.

Let’s just ask her, then decide if we want to go through with it. There’s no harm in asking.

• First of all, that’s disrespecting her reply of no. Secondly, yes, there is harm in asking. In fact, he has already caused harm by asking. It’s this asking business that caused the initial complications and delivered that nasty basket of confusing emotions mentioned above.

Her anger may be the easiest to decode and deal with. She’s mad because he ruined their night by being a disgusting asshole. She’s mad because he’s suggesting the Hot Friend is hotter than she is. Also reasonable--she’s mad that he was stupid enough to bring it up. WTF.

Hurt, while also terrible, is easy to sort thorough and understand--for her. She’s miserable that he doesn’t think she’s enough. Disappointed that he’s been eyeing, and thinking about, sex with not just other women…but a woman she herself has brought around him. When she tells him he has hurt her by suggesting this one-time-only-night-of-fun, he again makes a mistake.

He assumes his woman feels intimated by the Hot Friend and offers some reasons why she need not see herself as less than. The Hot Friend’s boobs aren’t really that great; one may be bigger than the other. When she smiles, you can see the crooked tooth on the lower left center of her jaw, and its kind of janky. She’s a slob…sometimes when she bends over the tops of her panties show. All these reasons makes things worse, hurting the woman partner more because all it does is reveal how carefully this guy has been studying the Hot Friend.

Disgust. This one is tricky. Confusing. Feeling this way may even make her feel guilty. After all, who feels disgusted by the idea of her friend’s body? Let’s skip over that question and hop to the last emotion because its there that the answer to this one lies.

Humiliation. This one is even trickier than disgust. More confusing. Why does she feel so much shame when he’s the one who has asked the question? Why does she feel crushing humiliation when she’s in the same room with the guy and her friend? 

Intrusion. This might be the answer. The close bond between the two friends was just that - their bond. Him asking this question means he's trying to intrude into the friendship. He's also sexualizing the friendship. 

Shame comes from acts we’ve done but also from acts that have been done to us. ‘Good’ shame is the guilt we feel after we’ve done something we know we shouldn’t have. ‘Toxic’ shame comes from others; it occurs when we’ve been exposed in a way we weren’t prepared for or in a way that’s too intimate. So, when he asks her if she wants to do the 3-way with her Hot Friend, he’s crossed a boundary and pulled her along for the ride--whether she wanted to go or not. Without repair, the border that had been clearly around the two of them will remain unclear. Unclear = uncertain. Toxic shames also creates feelings of inadequacy. You don’t need me to tell you what doubt  +  insecurity equals.

Pretending ‘the question’ was never asked isn’t going to work. That’s one genie that’s not going back into the bottle. While only one person, in this case her, realizes it, there’s a crack in the foundation. What’s going to repair it? Probably, only more conversation. Will that work?

 Have some thoughts? Share ‘em in the comments.

Want to see what consensual sexual exploration might look like? Check out my new release, Make Me Blush.

Happy June!

Too sexy for publication: that's what they told me.

I’m not good at following directions. I know this about myself. So as soon as someone tells me not to do something, or that something can’t, or shouldn’t, be done, that’s pretty much an engraved RSVP ASAP invitation to me. When that inability to do what I’m told and my insatiable curiosity intersect all kinds of wild things happen. In this case, the thing is my new release, Make Me Blush, a beach-read anthology of stories I’ve been told were too sexy for publication.

Here’s something I know: women like to read stories about dedicated partners in sexually-charged situations.

In my other life, I teach freshman composition at a college. We write essays, the standard sort that college students have been writing for years. Thesis statements, MLA formatting, research. All the usual stuff. One place where I get to mix things up is in the prompts. A while back I was wondering what my students thought of the 50 Shades phenomena, so I included a prompt about the widespread popularity of the series. The prompt encouraged the students to question the contrast between the book’s content, the relationship between the two characters, and the current wave of new feminism. Bottom line—why do women connect with this book?

As you might imagine, the prompt generated interest. After reading several essays I’ve found a distinct difference between the younger, 18-20, and older, 25-30 women in regard to Mr. Grey’s relationship appeal.

The younger women find him super romantic. They are drawn to the idea of having a man so dedicated to you that he is “interested” in every aspect of your life. They don’t find him stalky or boundary-crossing, they find him devoted. These younger women write very little about the sex; they write almost exclusively about the attentive relationship. It seems that while young women view career and societal contribution as essential and validating, they still long for a dedicated partner.

The older women write about the sex. They are drawn to the idea of an extremely intense almost completely sexual relationship that has no emotional commitments. These women reflect that while they hope to have an emotionally intimate relationship in the future, they are, at present, busy with school and work and don’t have time to develop “that sort of thing” right now. This staying-single-longer, waiting-for-real-commitment life plan is on the rise, but as noted above with the younger set, this older set seeks devotion. They simply define devotion in a different way.

Here’s another thing: the popularity of female-centered stories is on the rise.

My thinking is that there are two reasons for this. Social media, the obvious one. Privacy and easy access afford the opportunity to enjoy, or experiment with, whatever intrigues. The second reason is the increase in younger readers. In the past, the typical age of the romance reader was about 30-60. Thanks to the popularity of YA books, and the creation of the new adult genre, younger women are reading romance—and women this age don’t want ‘the usual.’ Young women aren’t looking to reinforce their traditional values, they want to test boundaries. They want adventure. They seek vicarious thrills. What they heck, we all want vicarious thrills; that’s why we read romance.

We also love the happy endings.

Of course I write romances with happy endings. That’s one rule I won’t break. There’s a reason why its called escapist fiction.

In short: Dedicated partners + female centered, sexually charged situations + happy endings 

= Make Me Blush

Make Me Blush is out now. Get your copy and see if you think its too sexual, too fem focused. Its on Kindle and available from other outlets: books2read.com/u/3G98Gp.